I'm in your water.

Not sure why, on this #pdxmas eve, I should be thinking of the national songs of foreign lands. Maybe it’s because it sounds like a Christmas song, kinda. Seriously, Deutschland, you have one of the coolest anthems ever.

Not only does it start right out and get to the point by saying “Germany over all!” (Which, by the way, is also the title!) It also mentions German women, wine, and song! Trust! Loyalty! Brotherhood!

Here in America, our national anthem is about a bunch of guys in funny hats hurling explosives at each other. Oh yeah. And Freedom. And stuff. Or, as Kurt Vonnegut called it, “gibberish sprinkled with question marks”.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Ok, Mister Will Radik. If you want to criticize our national anthem, what do you suggest we replace it with?” Well. I’m glad you asked! For starters, I’d suggest the Flash Gordon theme, by Queen!

It’s still robust and warlike, but with that Freddie Mercury zing! It’s a song about a blonde, all-American football player saving the Universe and overthrowing an evil tyrant! Also, hot hail is kinda like bombs bursting in air, but better.

CORRECTION: The German National Anthem is the same melody, but it’s called Das Deutschenlied, not “Deutschland Ueber Alles,” as is widely mistaken. Also, only the 3rd stanza is considered to be the national anthem and it’s the only one played at public events. I would have known these things if I’d done a little research before writing this post. : > Thanks @skreee!

All Hail Ming!

While we’re all boxed up inside here in Portland, munching away on our frantically purchased food goods and holiday purchases, it’s important not to forget fitness! Keep that face in shape with these easy and sexy exercises! (elevator music optional.)

Also, don’t forget to get that cardio! Winter can make you fat, and everyone hates fat people! Jazzercise is the enemy of fat!

(Disclosure: My mom was a Jazzercise instructor. I grew up seeing this kind of stuff and thinking it was normal. This might explain a few things about me.)

Bonus: Alyssa Milano’s “Teen Steam” workout video. Um. Yeah. Laterz.