Keep It Classy, Oregonian

Mark Anthony Greyes, found hiding in the bushes, and was Tased and bitten by a police dog, and was Photographed by Multnomah County Sheriff's Office and then Charged him with The Rape.

The Oregonian, a professional news source, unlike any blogs you may be reading at the moment, vomited up this precious nugget of an article today. Don’t let the sensational subject matter distract you from the first sentence, which is quite avant and fills me with curiousity:

“A man found hiding in the bushes in Northeast Portland, and was Tased and bitten by a police dog has been charged with first-degree rape.”

It says, “and was Tased.” Why is it capitalized? Was that his name? Tazer is a brand name, but the verb based on the product doesn’t need to be capitalized. It’s a verb, not a noun. There’s no such thing as a proper verb. I’m pretty sure we don’t capitalize verbs in English unless they come at the beginning of a sentence.

Why do these things go together in the first sentence? The fact that he was tased and bitten by a police dog are fundamental parts of the description of this person? Is it that important to who this man is; so important that these facts need to be shoe-horned into that first sentence, at the expense of all fluidity and style? Apparently the most important thing about this article is that this rapist had a very bad day, and we need to know that immediately.

Finally, if you string statements together in a sentence like that, they have to agree. You can’t say, “A dog found pooping in the park, and was beaten by vigilantes.” That is, unless the dog found someone in the park whose name was Pooping. Did the man find someone named, “Hiding in the Bushes?” (In that case, you should capitalize it as I have. Take the capital off of “tased” and put capitals here.) Maybe you meant to say, “A man who was found hiding.”

The article continues:

“Mark Anthony Greyes, who’s last known address dated to 2005 is listed in Redwood City, Calif., is also charged with a post-prison parole violation, according to the Multnomah County Sheriff’s Office.”

“Who’s?” Are you kidding me? Is the Oregonian still paying people?

“The suspect was described in detail and was last seen running on northbound.”

What is “northbound? Is this some sort of new fuel source for humans? In that case, it’s probably still patented and so you need to capitalize it. You know; like you capitalized “tased.”

I don’t have a college degree. I haven’t even taken a single college English course, but I’m pretty sure I write better than Sally Ho. Five will get you ten that there are plenty of other unemployed people with degrees in the disciplines of English and journalism who can write better than Sally Ho. Maybe The Oregonian should hire one of them or pay to send her back to school. I’m pretty sure Mark Anthony Greyes will be hard up for a job when he gets out of prison- maybe they could hire him to write stories!

No hard feelings, Sally and The Oregonian! <3!

This entry was posted in PDX, Portland, reporters do cute things and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Keep It Classy, Oregonian

  1. Twazu says:

    Your photo caption is much more appropriate for the OregonLive article, considering their standards. This might be a good job opportunity for you. <3

  2. Amy says:

    The impressive thing to me is not that he was “Tased,” but that a police dog tased him.
    (Regrettably, the article has been edited slightly to clarify the actors in the first sentence.)

    Chunks of that Frankenstein’s monster of a sentence are directly from the Portland Police Bureau news release here: . Somehow, the Oregonian’s version manages to seem even more hurried and disjointed.

    • willradik says:

      You’re right! So many things are wrong with this that that went over my head. Those damn police dogs are out of control with the tasers!

  3. Zanger says:

    Awesome. And northbound.

  4. E says:

    clearly, I need you to edit my shit before posting it.

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