Tomorrow is 7th Planet Picture Show, my movie-themed event at the Mount Tabor Theater, complete with live mst3k style commentary. Take a shot at captioning this still from Despiser, either here in the comments or @me on twitter (willradik) with your captions and the hashtag #7thPlanet.

The winner gets free entry for him/herself and one friend. (A $6 to $10 value! OMG!)

I’ve been pretty busy the past couple of weeks. Of course, you wouldn’t think so if you just looked at me, sitting in my room watching movies. (sometimes with popcorn, sometimes sans popcorn) But I have been busy, mostly watching and reading up on movies. I figure, if I’m going to run 7th Planet Picture Show right, I should really know my stuff when it comes to weird, psychotronic films. Therefore, I’ve been stuffing as many into my mediaholes as I possibly can.

Here are the movies I’ve recently watched for the first time, complete with brief synopses. (mostly devoid of spoilers. mostly. Title links go to imdb.)

Laser Mission (1989) Brandon Lee is a mercenary/spy for the US Government, trying to get a scientist away from the Soviets who could make a superweapon. There are no lasers in the movie but I assume the title comes from the fact that there’s a DANGER of lasers, should the scientist be put into a lab with the LUDICROUSLY BIG DIAMOND that’s also in the movie. Editors were clearly on drugs. Either that or someone accidentally thought the storyboard was acid blotter and ate it. Public domain, baby!

Star Slammer A. K. A. Prison Ship (1987) – Sandy Brooke plays Taura, a miner who gets picked up by a corrupt galactic government official and thrown on a sleazy women’s prison ship. Lots of wacky/sexy? things happen on the ship. It’s kind of a comedy.

Act of Piracy (1990) – Some pirates, who are pretty douchey, and clearly criminally insane decide to fuck with Gary Busey, a bad idea in any decade. Then they get what’s coming to them, when he gets time after reuniting emotionally with his estranged ex-wife, that is.

Alice’s Restaurant (1969)A little, douchey hippie folk-singer (whom I know is the genuine article, but can’t help equating with arrogant kids at my high school in suburban Illinois in the mid-90’s.) named Arlo Guthrie gets to star in this movie adaptation of his goofy song, which is about half as long as the movie anyway. He almost fucks a 14 year-old. And he does fuck Alice, and some cute asian chick. Alice also nails a bunch of dudes and gets beaten by her husband and some guy is a junkie and dies, but it all makes about as much sense in the movie as it does when I explain it here.

2019 – After the Fall Of New York (1983) – Pretty much the Italian Escape From New York, hence 5x the goofy. But the main plot centers not around retrieving the President but the last fertile female in existence. Maybe the people who made Children of Men watched this and then cried and then made something better.

Cyborg (1989)- A craptastic gem brought to you by the movie crap kings Golan Globus. Van Damme is in the post-apocalyptic future. He’s not a cyborg. But there is a cyborg. And she sorta shows up here and there and he has to help her get to Atlanta. (Atlanta!?) And he beats up a lot of people. The sets and costumes in this were recycled from Masters of the Universe, after Mattel’s licensing prices were found to be too high for a sequel to a film that barely broke even.

Cyborg 2 (1993) Has absolutely nothing to do with the first Cyborg movie. Stars Angelina Jolie. She is a cyborg. And she also beats people up. and she also gets naked and it’s… well it’s fucking hot. All in all, this movie is separated from Cyborg 2 even more in that it’s actually not too bad of a flick. Jack Palance has a very kick-ass part in this and it’s too bad no award ceremony would touch a movie with this premise with a ten-foot pole, cause he delivers an outstanding performance. And did I mention Angelina Jolie sex scene? Naked? Yes?

Double Trouble (1992)- A silly but fun buddy comedy in which twin actors David and Peter Paul play cop and criminal twin brothers and join up to fight jewel thieves.

Think Big (1989) – A silly but fun buddy comedy in which twin actors David And Peter Paul play trucker twin brothers and try to help a young girl, fleeing an evil corporation that’s exploiting children in their school/think tank.(I had seen this one previously but added it to this list because I recently watched it again and was surprised to find it’s really not that bad of at all. I rather like it.)

Garbage Pail Kids, The Movie (1987) - I could see an atheist using this movie in an argument against a religious person as proof there is no god. Or at least that he hates us.

Journey to the 7th Planet (1962) – A bunch of astronauts fly to Uranus and kill the monster that lives there. I found this movie while looking to see if anyone was already using the 7th Planet Picture Show title. To my pleasant surprise, it’s just the sort of film that works for the 7th Planet Picture Show. Look for it in an upcoming web show and probably at the live 7th Planet some time, too.

Lady Frankenstein (1971) – When her father dies, Dr. Frankenstein’s daughter continues his research and, you guessed it, makes monsters. This one is pretty dry but there are some genuinely funny cheeseball moments.

The Giant Claw (1957) – The monster in this movie has got to be the stupidest one I’ve ever seen. Plus there’s a silly French Canadian guy. Those wacky foreigners!

The Little Shop of Horrors (1960) – The original Roger Corman flick that later gave rise to Oz’s musical starring Rick Moranis. You can see why they made the musical. This movie is downright wacky. In fact, the performances in this original almost seem more  rambunctiously over-the-top and ridiculous than the later film that made fun of them.

Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women (1968) Once upon a time some Russians made a movie called Planeta Bur. Then a capitalist American swine redubbed and edited the footage, added a few things and called it, Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet. Then some other hack came along and took that movie, re-edited it again, added a bunch of footage of chicks on the beach with shells covering their no-no parts and, well, that was this movie.

Warrior of the Lost World (1983) – A very skillful movie in that it rips off Mad Max and Escape From New York at the same time, leaving room to cram in hackery stolen from other successful films. Great stuff.

Zontar the Thing From Venus (1966) – Some nerd keeps playing his mmorpg and his wife gets mad at him. Except his mmorpg is an alien from Venus called Zontar who’s coming to enslave humanity. Of course, no one believes Kevin until Zontar arrives and mind control MADNESS ensues!

The Galaxy Invader (1985) – There are so many bad and awesome things I could say about this hackjob “alien vs. redneck” sci-fi film. It’s one of the gold mines that makes these movies so worth combing through.

Cherry 2000 (1987) – In the future, a white man in the future gets determined when his robot housewife slave burns out and he can’t find parts to replace her. He decides to go out into the lawless wasteland to find a duplicate for this rare machine and his guide is none-other than Melanie Griffith. Then it gets wacky.

Hardware (1990) – Moses (Dylan McDermott) finds a robot head and leaves it at his girlfriend’s apartment, her future apartment, in the slums. But she’s got really good locks. Then the robot head comes to life and rebuilds itself and tries to kill her and everyone else. A lot of black guys die.

Omega Doom (1996) – Rutger Hauer is once again a robot. But this time it’s in a movie that’s like a bad sci-fi RPG, and you don’t get to play, you just get to watch someone else play, and he’s an idiot.

Solarbabies (1986) Imagine if the Goonies was about a roller-hockey team but in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, and you’ve got Rollerbabies. Actually not bad at all. This one slipped by me as a child, which is too bad. I would have loved it then, too.

Cherez ternii k zvyozdam a.k.a To The Stars by the Hard Ways (1981) A sci-fi film from Soviet Russia in which a genetically-engineered superclone is found aboard a destroyed space-station with no memory of her purpose or prior life. Not at first, at least. Very cool!

Death Race 2000 (1975) In an oppressive future, David Carradine plays the leader in a violent sport which is used to control the populace.

Rollerball (1975) – In an oppressive future, James Caan plays the leader in a violent sport which is used to control the populace.

I’m a real glutton for punishment.

Companies normally sell products comprised mostly of marketing, an imagined quality brought on by clever packaging work. If you’re savvy, it’s not hard to spot these things. I’m not sure when they started selling it, but I noticed a Welch’s product at the store yesterday which should insult the intelligence of even the average consumer. (A tall order.)

That’s right! AQUA JUICE! So your kids love juice. Love it! The little fuckers are sucking it down so fast their teeth may decay to tiny dust storms before you even realize it. What’s a mom (dad) to do!? Well. Aqua Juice! It has less sugar. Why does it have less sugar? Because Welch’s added water to it, saving you the time and trouble of watering down your own juice! God bless their cheeky little hearts.

Reminds me that I should get going on my “yolkless eggs” product. You see the yolks have all the cholesterol. If you take them out, the egg is pretty healthy. I could take the yolks out and sell the eggs for 4x the price! Oh wait. Someone’s been doing that for years. Damn!

First night Oct. 25th. Additional details forthcoming…

Our Popples Must Be Local and Sustainable – Sam Adams appeared today on KBOO show Locus Focus to talk about issues of local, sustainable food production. However, because we’re 12, we thought the most important part of the entire program happened when he made a flub and said, “Popples.” when attempting to say that  “things’ll be popping up.” (He was talking about local farms, you perv.)

Does the Mayor of Portland have a secret thing for 80’s plush toys that can hide in their back-mounted pouches?

local, sustainable food that Mayor Sam Adams has no interest in

Melissa Lion Wants Your Vagina To Smell Good – Also talking about local and sustainable food today is Melissa Lion. It’s right here on Recovering Californian! You’d better get those vaginas all smelling nice before you head out to BackFencePDX this Wednesday. If you’re wearing nylon panties, she can smell you from a mile away.

I’ve got a much shorter version of this hygienic primer for males. I call it, Wash Yo’ Dick and the entire content of the guide is right there in the title.

PARKingDay_Merc01

Originally uploaded by willradik

Today is PARKing Day when people all over the country plunk some change into parking meters for anything other than cars. They turn the spaces into art galleries, public parks, activism centers, and even new branch offices.

Matt Davis and I are pictured here in the Mercury PARKing Day branch office in front of Portland City Hall. There was even some nice shade over some of the area.

Photo taken by Ali Rheingold.

Now that I’m not filling in 3 to 4 nights a week for other people, in addition to my own 2 nights, I’ve got some more free time, time to cook and fool around with silly things like all the acrylic paint I’ve accumulated. Right now I’m in my “room” listening to flamenco music and working on a painting that I started a year ago, but have barely touched. Don’t laugh!

It’s based on the Great Horned Owl and the paint for the eyes is glow in th- HEY. I said DON’T LAUGH! It won’t necessarily look like an owl, when it’s done, but it will be an owl-like creature… thing? Anyway. I’m having fun. Good enough for me!

I just got home from a couple hours of good, healthy American bowling with the Merc staff. I learned a few things today. Well, mainly I learned I still suck at bowling. I managed a 104, the exact same score as Matt Davis who was on the same team as I, Chicken Splint! Also on the great Chicken Splint team were Steven Humphrey, Alison Hallett, and two other people whose names I don’t know. (Sorry! Frowny face!)

by ginnerobot on flickr

Chicken Splint technically did not win, but it will always be the greatest bowling team, complete with a secret, ever-changing awkward high-five/fist bump hybrid.

It was a good time, but a little bitter-sweet. Tomorrow is my last day at the Merc. I had a fantastic time during this summer internship and I’m gonna miss working there. But I think I can chalk it up as a success, seeing as I learned quite a bit and got some neat little clips for myself.

I will have a little more time to work on my next project, I think. Make sure you have those calendars cleared out on Oct. 25th for 7th Planet Picture Show at the Mt. Tabor Theatre. More details forthcoming.

Oh and congratulations to sly Sarah Mirk and her team 3 Men and a Baby, comprised of 6 people, none of them men or babies, who scored the highest, beating out the team with Erik Henriksen and Patrick Alan Coleman by a scant ONE POINT!

I usually don’t like mashups. I find them a little too dense. (as implied by the name of the genre itself) I’m making an exception for this one. Killing In A Gay Bar, by English Pete is a cute mashup of two great songs that made me EL OH EL.

Is it homophobic? Eh. I don’t think so. The original Gay Bar song talks about starting a nuclear war in a gay bar and no one seems to mind that one. I think it refers more to blowing everyone’s mind with your fabulous dance moves!

[via Hipster Please Episode 73: Eat, Drink, and Be Scary]