I Watch Weird Movies
I’ve been pretty busy the past couple of weeks. Of course, you wouldn’t think so if you just looked at me, sitting in my room watching movies. (sometimes with popcorn, sometimes sans popcorn) But I have been busy, mostly watching and reading up on movies. I figure, if I’m going to run 7th Planet Picture Show right, I should really know my stuff when it comes to weird, psychotronic films. Therefore, I’ve been stuffing as many into my mediaholes as I possibly can.
Here are the movies I’ve recently watched for the first time, complete with brief synopses. (mostly devoid of spoilers. mostly. Title links go to imdb.)
Laser Mission (1989) Brandon Lee is a mercenary/spy for the US Government, trying to get a scientist away from the Soviets who could make a superweapon. There are no lasers in the movie but I assume the title comes from the fact that there’s a DANGER of lasers, should the scientist be put into a lab with the LUDICROUSLY BIG DIAMOND that’s also in the movie. Editors were clearly on drugs. Either that or someone accidentally thought the storyboard was acid blotter and ate it. Public domain, baby!
Star Slammer A. K. A. Prison Ship (1987) – Sandy Brooke plays Taura, a miner who gets picked up by a corrupt galactic government official and thrown on a sleazy women’s prison ship. Lots of wacky/sexy? things happen on the ship. It’s kind of a comedy.
Act of Piracy (1990) – Some pirates, who are pretty douchey, and clearly criminally insane decide to fuck with Gary Busey, a bad idea in any decade. Then they get what’s coming to them, when he gets time after reuniting emotionally with his estranged ex-wife, that is.
Alice’s Restaurant (1969)A little, douchey hippie folk-singer (whom I know is the genuine article, but can’t help equating with arrogant kids at my high school in suburban Illinois in the mid-90’s.) named Arlo Guthrie gets to star in this movie adaptation of his goofy song, which is about half as long as the movie anyway. He almost fucks a 14 year-old. And he does fuck Alice, and some cute asian chick. Alice also nails a bunch of dudes and gets beaten by her husband and some guy is a junkie and dies, but it all makes about as much sense in the movie as it does when I explain it here.
2019 – After the Fall Of New York (1983) – Pretty much the Italian Escape From New York, hence 5x the goofy. But the main plot centers not around retrieving the President but the last fertile female in existence. Maybe the people who made Children of Men watched this and then cried and then made something better.
Cyborg (1989)- A craptastic gem brought to you by the movie crap kings Golan Globus. Van Damme is in the post-apocalyptic future. He’s not a cyborg. But there is a cyborg. And she sorta shows up here and there and he has to help her get to Atlanta. (Atlanta!?) And he beats up a lot of people. The sets and costumes in this were recycled from Masters of the Universe, after Mattel’s licensing prices were found to be too high for a sequel to a film that barely broke even.
Cyborg 2 (1993) Has absolutely nothing to do with the first Cyborg movie. Stars Angelina Jolie. She is a cyborg. And she also beats people up. and she also gets naked and it’s… well it’s fucking hot. All in all, this movie is separated from Cyborg 2 even more in that it’s actually not too bad of a flick. Jack Palance has a very kick-ass part in this and it’s too bad no award ceremony would touch a movie with this premise with a ten-foot pole, cause he delivers an outstanding performance. And did I mention Angelina Jolie sex scene? Naked? Yes?
Double Trouble (1992)- A silly but fun buddy comedy in which twin actors David and Peter Paul play cop and criminal twin brothers and join up to fight jewel thieves.
Think Big (1989) – A silly but fun buddy comedy in which twin actors David And Peter Paul play trucker twin brothers and try to help a young girl, fleeing an evil corporation that’s exploiting children in their school/think tank.(I had seen this one previously but added it to this list because I recently watched it again and was surprised to find it’s really not that bad of at all. I rather like it.)
Garbage Pail Kids, The Movie (1987) - I could see an atheist using this movie in an argument against a religious person as proof there is no god. Or at least that he hates us.
Journey to the 7th Planet (1962) – A bunch of astronauts fly to Uranus and kill the monster that lives there. I found this movie while looking to see if anyone was already using the 7th Planet Picture Show title. To my pleasant surprise, it’s just the sort of film that works for the 7th Planet Picture Show. Look for it in an upcoming web show and probably at the live 7th Planet some time, too.
Lady Frankenstein (1971) – When her father dies, Dr. Frankenstein’s daughter continues his research and, you guessed it, makes monsters. This one is pretty dry but there are some genuinely funny cheeseball moments.
The Giant Claw (1957) – The monster in this movie has got to be the stupidest one I’ve ever seen. Plus there’s a silly French Canadian guy. Those wacky foreigners!
The Little Shop of Horrors (1960) – The original Roger Corman flick that later gave rise to Oz’s musical starring Rick Moranis. You can see why they made the musical. This movie is downright wacky. In fact, the performances in this original almost seem more rambunctiously over-the-top and ridiculous than the later film that made fun of them.
Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women (1968) Once upon a time some Russians made a movie called Planeta Bur. Then a capitalist American swine redubbed and edited the footage, added a few things and called it, Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet. Then some other hack came along and took that movie, re-edited it again, added a bunch of footage of chicks on the beach with shells covering their no-no parts and, well, that was this movie.
Warrior of the Lost World (1983) – A very skillful movie in that it rips off Mad Max and Escape From New York at the same time, leaving room to cram in hackery stolen from other successful films. Great stuff.
Zontar the Thing From Venus (1966) – Some nerd keeps playing his mmorpg and his wife gets mad at him. Except his mmorpg is an alien from Venus called Zontar who’s coming to enslave humanity. Of course, no one believes Kevin until Zontar arrives and mind control MADNESS ensues!
The Galaxy Invader (1985) – There are so many bad and awesome things I could say about this hackjob “alien vs. redneck” sci-fi film. It’s one of the gold mines that makes these movies so worth combing through.
Cherry 2000 (1987) – In the future, a white man in the future gets determined when his robot housewife slave burns out and he can’t find parts to replace her. He decides to go out into the lawless wasteland to find a duplicate for this rare machine and his guide is none-other than Melanie Griffith. Then it gets wacky.
Hardware (1990) – Moses (Dylan McDermott) finds a robot head and leaves it at his girlfriend’s apartment, her future apartment, in the slums. But she’s got really good locks. Then the robot head comes to life and rebuilds itself and tries to kill her and everyone else. A lot of black guys die.
Omega Doom (1996) – Rutger Hauer is once again a robot. But this time it’s in a movie that’s like a bad sci-fi RPG, and you don’t get to play, you just get to watch someone else play, and he’s an idiot.
Solarbabies (1986) Imagine if the Goonies was about a roller-hockey team but in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, and you’ve got Rollerbabies. Actually not bad at all. This one slipped by me as a child, which is too bad. I would have loved it then, too.
Cherez ternii k zvyozdam a.k.a To The Stars by the Hard Ways (1981) A sci-fi film from Soviet Russia in which a genetically-engineered superclone is found aboard a destroyed space-station with no memory of her purpose or prior life. Not at first, at least. Very cool!
Death Race 2000 (1975) In an oppressive future, David Carradine plays the leader in a violent sport which is used to control the populace.
Rollerball (1975) – In an oppressive future, James Caan plays the leader in a violent sport which is used to control the populace.
I’m a real glutton for punishment.
PDX Media Round-up! Popples! Vaginas!
Our Popples Must Be Local and Sustainable – Sam Adams appeared today on KBOO show Locus Focus to talk about issues of local, sustainable food production. However, because we’re 12, we thought the most important part of the entire program happened when he made a flub and said, “Popples.” when attempting to say that “things’ll be popping up.” (He was talking about local farms, you perv.)
Does the Mayor of Portland have a secret thing for 80’s plush toys that can hide in their back-mounted pouches?
local, sustainable food that Mayor Sam Adams has no interest in
Melissa Lion Wants Your Vagina To Smell Good – Also talking about local and sustainable food today is Melissa Lion. It’s right here on Recovering Californian! You’d better get those vaginas all smelling nice before you head out to BackFencePDX this Wednesday. If you’re wearing nylon panties, she can smell you from a mile away.
I’ve got a much shorter version of this hygienic primer for males. I call it, Wash Yo’ Dick and the entire content of the guide is right there in the title.
One For the Ladies
I’m sure there’s plenty to go around, girls.
UPDATE: THIS IS NOT A PICTURE OF ME. GOOD GOD, PEOPLE.
80’s rock nipples by greggoconnell on flickr.
Bite Into Portland
My coverage of the grim situation on the ground here in Portland continues:
The commercial with the waitresses actually has a cheeky upskirt shot! Naughty, naughty, York Peppermint Patties!
Peewee’s Clown Dream
Back to the list of fucked-up movies/TV that scared the shit out of me as a child. This has to be one of the top ones. Peewee’s Big Adventure is one of those things, like the Muppets, that were originally intended as entertainment for adults, but for some reason or other (cutesy dialog, bright colors) are read by the ignorant masses as being fare for children, and then are labeled as such.
Don’t get me wrong. This was, and still is one of my favorite movies of all time, as are most of the items in this category. But it still gave me nightmares. Of course, Burton and Elfman are to blame for it, with their awesome combination of visuals and music to make the spookiest shit ever. Love the neon.
Toys Make You Gay
At long last the debate has been solved once and for all. Forget the mounting scientific evidence pointing toward sexuality having a genetic cause. It’s your TOYS that make you gay.
I’m going to blame my bisexuality on the pogo. Every time I’ve ever sucked dick, pogo ball was the one that made me do it.
Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer
What’s that, Will, you were scared by a Rainbow Bright movie as a child? Really? Well. If you watch this bizarre animated nightmare, you will understand. Trust me.
There are many, many terrifying things about this movie. Though the things that frighten me about it differ now that I’m an adult (sorta), it’s still pretty scary. The plot revolves around Rainbow Brite, a chubby little thing who rides around on a horse named Starlight (gayest horse ever. Just listen to the way he talks) and shoots rainbows out in front of her for him to stand on. Rainbow Brite is addicted to star sprinkles, which get her high enough to use her “powers.” The “Color Kids” run the mining operation to extract the star sprinkles from the Earth and refine them into the good stuff.
Anyway, Spring isn’t coming this year because there’s an evil princess wrapping a rope around the giant diamond that is the center of all light and warmth in the universe, essentially blocking it out, because she wants to own it. She sports a totally rad Cindy Lauper haircut and has a jewel that shoots pink lazers, among other things. Totally rad.
What scared me about this movie as a kid? The princess’ dark fortress (which is actually pretty cool), the tar monster, the robots that shoot rope and enslave people with mind beams, the man-eating lizard-guys. I dunno. Take your pick. The overall aesthetic of this film is much darker than what you’d expect to find in a kid’s movie, let alone one about a girl who eats sparkles and shoots rainbows. (not sure if she actually eats them, but that sounds good.)
Anyway, I could hardly do better at describing this film to you than Andrew Borntreger the webmaster of Badmovies.org, where the film is reviewed here.
A playlist of the entire movie on YouTube can be found here.
If you want to learn more about Rainbow Brite. (Don’t try and pretend like you don’t.) You can look on her Wikipedia page!
