I Watch Weird Movies
I’ve been pretty busy the past couple of weeks. Of course, you wouldn’t think so if you just looked at me, sitting in my room watching movies. (sometimes with popcorn, sometimes sans popcorn) But I have been busy, mostly watching and reading up on movies. I figure, if I’m going to run 7th Planet Picture Show right, I should really know my stuff when it comes to weird, psychotronic films. Therefore, I’ve been stuffing as many into my mediaholes as I possibly can.
Here are the movies I’ve recently watched for the first time, complete with brief synopses. (mostly devoid of spoilers. mostly. Title links go to imdb.)
Laser Mission (1989) Brandon Lee is a mercenary/spy for the US Government, trying to get a scientist away from the Soviets who could make a superweapon. There are no lasers in the movie but I assume the title comes from the fact that there’s a DANGER of lasers, should the scientist be put into a lab with the LUDICROUSLY BIG DIAMOND that’s also in the movie. Editors were clearly on drugs. Either that or someone accidentally thought the storyboard was acid blotter and ate it. Public domain, baby!
Star Slammer A. K. A. Prison Ship (1987) – Sandy Brooke plays Taura, a miner who gets picked up by a corrupt galactic government official and thrown on a sleazy women’s prison ship. Lots of wacky/sexy? things happen on the ship. It’s kind of a comedy.
Act of Piracy (1990) – Some pirates, who are pretty douchey, and clearly criminally insane decide to fuck with Gary Busey, a bad idea in any decade. Then they get what’s coming to them, when he gets time after reuniting emotionally with his estranged ex-wife, that is.
Alice’s Restaurant (1969)A little, douchey hippie folk-singer (whom I know is the genuine article, but can’t help equating with arrogant kids at my high school in suburban Illinois in the mid-90’s.) named Arlo Guthrie gets to star in this movie adaptation of his goofy song, which is about half as long as the movie anyway. He almost fucks a 14 year-old. And he does fuck Alice, and some cute asian chick. Alice also nails a bunch of dudes and gets beaten by her husband and some guy is a junkie and dies, but it all makes about as much sense in the movie as it does when I explain it here.
2019 – After the Fall Of New York (1983) – Pretty much the Italian Escape From New York, hence 5x the goofy. But the main plot centers not around retrieving the President but the last fertile female in existence. Maybe the people who made Children of Men watched this and then cried and then made something better.
Cyborg (1989)- A craptastic gem brought to you by the movie crap kings Golan Globus. Van Damme is in the post-apocalyptic future. He’s not a cyborg. But there is a cyborg. And she sorta shows up here and there and he has to help her get to Atlanta. (Atlanta!?) And he beats up a lot of people. The sets and costumes in this were recycled from Masters of the Universe, after Mattel’s licensing prices were found to be too high for a sequel to a film that barely broke even.
Cyborg 2 (1993) Has absolutely nothing to do with the first Cyborg movie. Stars Angelina Jolie. She is a cyborg. And she also beats people up. and she also gets naked and it’s… well it’s fucking hot. All in all, this movie is separated from Cyborg 2 even more in that it’s actually not too bad of a flick. Jack Palance has a very kick-ass part in this and it’s too bad no award ceremony would touch a movie with this premise with a ten-foot pole, cause he delivers an outstanding performance. And did I mention Angelina Jolie sex scene? Naked? Yes?
Double Trouble (1992)- A silly but fun buddy comedy in which twin actors David and Peter Paul play cop and criminal twin brothers and join up to fight jewel thieves.
Think Big (1989) – A silly but fun buddy comedy in which twin actors David And Peter Paul play trucker twin brothers and try to help a young girl, fleeing an evil corporation that’s exploiting children in their school/think tank.(I had seen this one previously but added it to this list because I recently watched it again and was surprised to find it’s really not that bad of at all. I rather like it.)
Garbage Pail Kids, The Movie (1987) - I could see an atheist using this movie in an argument against a religious person as proof there is no god. Or at least that he hates us.
Journey to the 7th Planet (1962) – A bunch of astronauts fly to Uranus and kill the monster that lives there. I found this movie while looking to see if anyone was already using the 7th Planet Picture Show title. To my pleasant surprise, it’s just the sort of film that works for the 7th Planet Picture Show. Look for it in an upcoming web show and probably at the live 7th Planet some time, too.
Lady Frankenstein (1971) – When her father dies, Dr. Frankenstein’s daughter continues his research and, you guessed it, makes monsters. This one is pretty dry but there are some genuinely funny cheeseball moments.
The Giant Claw (1957) – The monster in this movie has got to be the stupidest one I’ve ever seen. Plus there’s a silly French Canadian guy. Those wacky foreigners!
The Little Shop of Horrors (1960) – The original Roger Corman flick that later gave rise to Oz’s musical starring Rick Moranis. You can see why they made the musical. This movie is downright wacky. In fact, the performances in this original almost seem more rambunctiously over-the-top and ridiculous than the later film that made fun of them.
Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women (1968) Once upon a time some Russians made a movie called Planeta Bur. Then a capitalist American swine redubbed and edited the footage, added a few things and called it, Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet. Then some other hack came along and took that movie, re-edited it again, added a bunch of footage of chicks on the beach with shells covering their no-no parts and, well, that was this movie.
Warrior of the Lost World (1983) – A very skillful movie in that it rips off Mad Max and Escape From New York at the same time, leaving room to cram in hackery stolen from other successful films. Great stuff.
Zontar the Thing From Venus (1966) – Some nerd keeps playing his mmorpg and his wife gets mad at him. Except his mmorpg is an alien from Venus called Zontar who’s coming to enslave humanity. Of course, no one believes Kevin until Zontar arrives and mind control MADNESS ensues!
The Galaxy Invader (1985) – There are so many bad and awesome things I could say about this hackjob “alien vs. redneck” sci-fi film. It’s one of the gold mines that makes these movies so worth combing through.
Cherry 2000 (1987) – In the future, a white man in the future gets determined when his robot housewife slave burns out and he can’t find parts to replace her. He decides to go out into the lawless wasteland to find a duplicate for this rare machine and his guide is none-other than Melanie Griffith. Then it gets wacky.
Hardware (1990) – Moses (Dylan McDermott) finds a robot head and leaves it at his girlfriend’s apartment, her future apartment, in the slums. But she’s got really good locks. Then the robot head comes to life and rebuilds itself and tries to kill her and everyone else. A lot of black guys die.
Omega Doom (1996) – Rutger Hauer is once again a robot. But this time it’s in a movie that’s like a bad sci-fi RPG, and you don’t get to play, you just get to watch someone else play, and he’s an idiot.
Solarbabies (1986) Imagine if the Goonies was about a roller-hockey team but in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, and you’ve got Rollerbabies. Actually not bad at all. This one slipped by me as a child, which is too bad. I would have loved it then, too.
Cherez ternii k zvyozdam a.k.a To The Stars by the Hard Ways (1981) A sci-fi film from Soviet Russia in which a genetically-engineered superclone is found aboard a destroyed space-station with no memory of her purpose or prior life. Not at first, at least. Very cool!
Death Race 2000 (1975) In an oppressive future, David Carradine plays the leader in a violent sport which is used to control the populace.
Rollerball (1975) – In an oppressive future, James Caan plays the leader in a violent sport which is used to control the populace.
I’m a real glutton for punishment.
7th Planet Coming in Oct.
First night Oct. 25th. Additional details forthcoming…
It’s A Terrible Movie, Tonight!
Ugh! This opening at the theatre came up on short notice, so I’ve had barely a week to promote it, but, just in case you missed my earlier talk about it, in the roundup, I’ll be hosting It’s a Terrible Movie tonight at CoHo, with Kiala Kazabee and Scott McCarty helping me to provide MST3k style commentary on the film.
We’re going to watch, and make fun of, the ol’ Gremlin’s knock-off Critters. Which actually has a lot of really great moments. Interstellar bounty hunters disguised as rock stars, people! Bring some beer and yell at the movie yourself!
Plus. Neelix from Star Trek Voyager as a cop, if you’re into that sort of thing. He dies. Oh sorry. SPOILER ALERT!
Wed, Aug 26th 7:30 PM
CoHo Productions, 2257 NW Raleigh
$5-10 sliding scale
Einstein Robot Learns to Smile, Looks Like Hedwig
As reported on Wired Science, this robot can analyze the facial expressions of itself and others and learn to make new ones. But, more importantly, it looks like an old Hedwig with a moustache. It especially resembles the Hedwig with the old mother’s wig.
(big ups to @TheSquare)
The Dumbo Elephants on Parade Scene
First installment in my “things that scared the shit out of me as a child” feature. These segments will focus on spooky things that I watched during the years from 1983 to 1990 that terrified me forever and probably contributed to the neurotic mess that I am today. ; D (that I watched then, not necessarily made then) Let’s start with this:
There were many things in the movie Dumbo that frightened or depressed me as a young child, but I have to say that this scene, hands down, horrified the living shit out of my vulnerable, 5 year-old mind, forever. There will be more Disney material, among other things, to follow in this feature.
Portland Indie Film Revival
There’s a mini film festival going on at the Broadway Metroplex (1000 SW Broadway) in Portland. A few of my favorites are in the schedule, including these three weeks in a row:
June 16: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
June 23: Punch Drunk Love
June 30: Secretary
I’ll be in there with my eyes taped to the goddamn screen for all these beautiful films. I’m bringing a group. If you’re gonna be in Portland and want to go to any of these, drop me a line.
via Portland Mercury’s Blogtown PDX
Koyaanisqatsi
For some weird reason, that could only be explained by the mysterious pulsing of my subconscious, while chugging down $1 pbr at The Lex, a film that I saw last year popped into my head.
Koyaanisqatsi is, mostly, a collection of time lapsed images put to frenetic music. The word, coming to us from the Hopi language, means “life out of balance” or “a state of life that calls for another way of living.” The film shows us how much our world is really some kind of fucked up factory. We’re all hot dogs, dude.
As unsettling as it is, and as difficult and anxiety inducing it was to sit through, it remains one of the most profound viewing experiences of my entire life.
I twittered to see who else had seen the film and I got a couple responses:
I also got a message from Orinz about it, but he DM’d me so I’m not going to put a screen shot here, but he put forth a film called Baraka as having the same concept but expressing it better. I’ll have to check it out
My ex, Nikol Hasler, also sent word that she’d seen the film and loved it, but I suspect her love for it has less to do with the actual film than the fact that the score composer just happens to be a cousin of this guy.
In any case. Watch it. Just try drinking chamomile instead of coffee beforehand.
