I Watch Weird Movies
I’ve been pretty busy the past couple of weeks. Of course, you wouldn’t think so if you just looked at me, sitting in my room watching movies. (sometimes with popcorn, sometimes sans popcorn) But I have been busy, mostly watching and reading up on movies. I figure, if I’m going to run 7th Planet Picture Show right, I should really know my stuff when it comes to weird, psychotronic films. Therefore, I’ve been stuffing as many into my mediaholes as I possibly can.
Here are the movies I’ve recently watched for the first time, complete with brief synopses. (mostly devoid of spoilers. mostly. Title links go to imdb.)
Laser Mission (1989) Brandon Lee is a mercenary/spy for the US Government, trying to get a scientist away from the Soviets who could make a superweapon. There are no lasers in the movie but I assume the title comes from the fact that there’s a DANGER of lasers, should the scientist be put into a lab with the LUDICROUSLY BIG DIAMOND that’s also in the movie. Editors were clearly on drugs. Either that or someone accidentally thought the storyboard was acid blotter and ate it. Public domain, baby!
Star Slammer A. K. A. Prison Ship (1987) – Sandy Brooke plays Taura, a miner who gets picked up by a corrupt galactic government official and thrown on a sleazy women’s prison ship. Lots of wacky/sexy? things happen on the ship. It’s kind of a comedy.
Act of Piracy (1990) – Some pirates, who are pretty douchey, and clearly criminally insane decide to fuck with Gary Busey, a bad idea in any decade. Then they get what’s coming to them, when he gets time after reuniting emotionally with his estranged ex-wife, that is.
Alice’s Restaurant (1969)A little, douchey hippie folk-singer (whom I know is the genuine article, but can’t help equating with arrogant kids at my high school in suburban Illinois in the mid-90’s.) named Arlo Guthrie gets to star in this movie adaptation of his goofy song, which is about half as long as the movie anyway. He almost fucks a 14 year-old. And he does fuck Alice, and some cute asian chick. Alice also nails a bunch of dudes and gets beaten by her husband and some guy is a junkie and dies, but it all makes about as much sense in the movie as it does when I explain it here.
2019 – After the Fall Of New York (1983) – Pretty much the Italian Escape From New York, hence 5x the goofy. But the main plot centers not around retrieving the President but the last fertile female in existence. Maybe the people who made Children of Men watched this and then cried and then made something better.
Cyborg (1989)- A craptastic gem brought to you by the movie crap kings Golan Globus. Van Damme is in the post-apocalyptic future. He’s not a cyborg. But there is a cyborg. And she sorta shows up here and there and he has to help her get to Atlanta. (Atlanta!?) And he beats up a lot of people. The sets and costumes in this were recycled from Masters of the Universe, after Mattel’s licensing prices were found to be too high for a sequel to a film that barely broke even.
Cyborg 2 (1993) Has absolutely nothing to do with the first Cyborg movie. Stars Angelina Jolie. She is a cyborg. And she also beats people up. and she also gets naked and it’s… well it’s fucking hot. All in all, this movie is separated from Cyborg 2 even more in that it’s actually not too bad of a flick. Jack Palance has a very kick-ass part in this and it’s too bad no award ceremony would touch a movie with this premise with a ten-foot pole, cause he delivers an outstanding performance. And did I mention Angelina Jolie sex scene? Naked? Yes?
Double Trouble (1992)- A silly but fun buddy comedy in which twin actors David and Peter Paul play cop and criminal twin brothers and join up to fight jewel thieves.
Think Big (1989) – A silly but fun buddy comedy in which twin actors David And Peter Paul play trucker twin brothers and try to help a young girl, fleeing an evil corporation that’s exploiting children in their school/think tank.(I had seen this one previously but added it to this list because I recently watched it again and was surprised to find it’s really not that bad of at all. I rather like it.)
Garbage Pail Kids, The Movie (1987) - I could see an atheist using this movie in an argument against a religious person as proof there is no god. Or at least that he hates us.
Journey to the 7th Planet (1962) – A bunch of astronauts fly to Uranus and kill the monster that lives there. I found this movie while looking to see if anyone was already using the 7th Planet Picture Show title. To my pleasant surprise, it’s just the sort of film that works for the 7th Planet Picture Show. Look for it in an upcoming web show and probably at the live 7th Planet some time, too.
Lady Frankenstein (1971) – When her father dies, Dr. Frankenstein’s daughter continues his research and, you guessed it, makes monsters. This one is pretty dry but there are some genuinely funny cheeseball moments.
The Giant Claw (1957) – The monster in this movie has got to be the stupidest one I’ve ever seen. Plus there’s a silly French Canadian guy. Those wacky foreigners!
The Little Shop of Horrors (1960) – The original Roger Corman flick that later gave rise to Oz’s musical starring Rick Moranis. You can see why they made the musical. This movie is downright wacky. In fact, the performances in this original almost seem more rambunctiously over-the-top and ridiculous than the later film that made fun of them.
Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women (1968) Once upon a time some Russians made a movie called Planeta Bur. Then a capitalist American swine redubbed and edited the footage, added a few things and called it, Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet. Then some other hack came along and took that movie, re-edited it again, added a bunch of footage of chicks on the beach with shells covering their no-no parts and, well, that was this movie.
Warrior of the Lost World (1983) – A very skillful movie in that it rips off Mad Max and Escape From New York at the same time, leaving room to cram in hackery stolen from other successful films. Great stuff.
Zontar the Thing From Venus (1966) – Some nerd keeps playing his mmorpg and his wife gets mad at him. Except his mmorpg is an alien from Venus called Zontar who’s coming to enslave humanity. Of course, no one believes Kevin until Zontar arrives and mind control MADNESS ensues!
The Galaxy Invader (1985) – There are so many bad and awesome things I could say about this hackjob “alien vs. redneck” sci-fi film. It’s one of the gold mines that makes these movies so worth combing through.
Cherry 2000 (1987) – In the future, a white man in the future gets determined when his robot housewife slave burns out and he can’t find parts to replace her. He decides to go out into the lawless wasteland to find a duplicate for this rare machine and his guide is none-other than Melanie Griffith. Then it gets wacky.
Hardware (1990) – Moses (Dylan McDermott) finds a robot head and leaves it at his girlfriend’s apartment, her future apartment, in the slums. But she’s got really good locks. Then the robot head comes to life and rebuilds itself and tries to kill her and everyone else. A lot of black guys die.
Omega Doom (1996) – Rutger Hauer is once again a robot. But this time it’s in a movie that’s like a bad sci-fi RPG, and you don’t get to play, you just get to watch someone else play, and he’s an idiot.
Solarbabies (1986) Imagine if the Goonies was about a roller-hockey team but in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, and you’ve got Rollerbabies. Actually not bad at all. This one slipped by me as a child, which is too bad. I would have loved it then, too.
Cherez ternii k zvyozdam a.k.a To The Stars by the Hard Ways (1981) A sci-fi film from Soviet Russia in which a genetically-engineered superclone is found aboard a destroyed space-station with no memory of her purpose or prior life. Not at first, at least. Very cool!
Death Race 2000 (1975) In an oppressive future, David Carradine plays the leader in a violent sport which is used to control the populace.
Rollerball (1975) – In an oppressive future, James Caan plays the leader in a violent sport which is used to control the populace.
I’m a real glutton for punishment.
Hose Me Down with Fox Urine
I would like to thank the town of Willmar, Minnesota, for bringing me the weirdest news story I’ve read all week. Scott Edward Wagar apparently got so sick of pranksters messing around on his land that he squirted several young people with a supersoaker, filled with FOX URINE, as they attempted to teepee his property. And, because of this, he faces fifth degree charges of assault and disorderly conduct.
Should the guy be brought up on criminal charges for this? It was his property. There are a lot of nuts out there who would have used a real gun. It sounds like he’s just a real hard-boiled asshole who must have pissed off everyone in that town so much they’re out to fuck him over any way they can, including the authorities. And what a town it is.
The local news site carrying the story was running this ad inside it. I love the part at the bottom, “NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ACCIDENTS. ALL FEDERAL, STATE, AND LOCAL LAWS MUST BE OBEYED.”
It’s also interesting to me is that this guy had fox urine. After a little googling, I discovered that it’s used in hunting to somehow deceive creatures of the wild. How about that.
It’s too bad this guy didn’t have an Ooze Blastin’ OOZINATOR!
Story is at Willmar’s West Central Tribune Online.
Update: You can buy Fox Urine at Amazon.com. Amazon.com, for all your fox urine needs!
Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer
What’s that, Will, you were scared by a Rainbow Bright movie as a child? Really? Well. If you watch this bizarre animated nightmare, you will understand. Trust me.
There are many, many terrifying things about this movie. Though the things that frighten me about it differ now that I’m an adult (sorta), it’s still pretty scary. The plot revolves around Rainbow Brite, a chubby little thing who rides around on a horse named Starlight (gayest horse ever. Just listen to the way he talks) and shoots rainbows out in front of her for him to stand on. Rainbow Brite is addicted to star sprinkles, which get her high enough to use her “powers.” The “Color Kids” run the mining operation to extract the star sprinkles from the Earth and refine them into the good stuff.
Anyway, Spring isn’t coming this year because there’s an evil princess wrapping a rope around the giant diamond that is the center of all light and warmth in the universe, essentially blocking it out, because she wants to own it. She sports a totally rad Cindy Lauper haircut and has a jewel that shoots pink lazers, among other things. Totally rad.
What scared me about this movie as a kid? The princess’ dark fortress (which is actually pretty cool), the tar monster, the robots that shoot rope and enslave people with mind beams, the man-eating lizard-guys. I dunno. Take your pick. The overall aesthetic of this film is much darker than what you’d expect to find in a kid’s movie, let alone one about a girl who eats sparkles and shoots rainbows. (not sure if she actually eats them, but that sounds good.)
Anyway, I could hardly do better at describing this film to you than Andrew Borntreger the webmaster of Badmovies.org, where the film is reviewed here.
A playlist of the entire movie on YouTube can be found here.
If you want to learn more about Rainbow Brite. (Don’t try and pretend like you don’t.) You can look on her Wikipedia page!
The Dumbo Elephants on Parade Scene
First installment in my “things that scared the shit out of me as a child” feature. These segments will focus on spooky things that I watched during the years from 1983 to 1990 that terrified me forever and probably contributed to the neurotic mess that I am today. ; D (that I watched then, not necessarily made then) Let’s start with this:
There were many things in the movie Dumbo that frightened or depressed me as a young child, but I have to say that this scene, hands down, horrified the living shit out of my vulnerable, 5 year-old mind, forever. There will be more Disney material, among other things, to follow in this feature.
A cat is sleeping
This is what I do when I’m up until six in the morning. It’s so bizarre that I’m not making six-figures working as an avant, rising-star creative for some hot start-up.
I just feel like the world needs this. I’ll prove it to you some day. I promise.
