How Romulan Miners Pass the Time

"As long as I could have you here with me, I'd much rather- FIRE EVERYTHING!!!"

I enjoyed the new Star Trek movie, because it had fun action, pretty lights and people, neat sounds, space ships, etc. But, as a critically thinking media consumer, I can’t help but notice on how many fronts the movie fails. When you’ve got such interesting characters, and the vast emptiness of space from which to draw conflicts and challenges for those characters,  you have absolutely no excuse. And no matter how much I enjoyed the light show, or how cool I think it is that they’ll keep doing these movies, I can’t help but wonder what kind of awesome stories they could have told if they had someone in the driver’s seat who actually cared about a good story.

Of course, that’s not what we got. Instead we got time-traveling Romulan miners (Hey. Weren’t Romulan miners the villains in the LAST Star Trek movie? What the hell? Who’s got such a hardon for Romulan miners!?) -time traveling Romulan miners, who, I might add, got there by flying through one of the very same black holes they used to completely destroy Vulcan like, 30 mins later into the movie. (Huh?) After Spock fired one of those RED MATTER thingies into the supernova, because even though he was late he wanted to do it anyway cause it looked fun and… er the original plan was to create a black hole to suck the supernova in and then Romulus would be safe orbiting the black hole? (Er. Huh. WTF?) And, at the end, Nero and the Romulan miners are going to get torn apart by one of the very same black holes they flew through to get there in the first place. (What!?) I mean, Kirk fires a few photon torpedoes at ‘em for kicks, but it’s pretty clear he doesn’t have to.

The Romulan miners are led by Nero, who is about as compelling as a dirty sock. In fact, the only thing I really wonder about him is how did this Romulan Forrest Gump/Kramer lovechild keep enough half-crazed Romulans, who had lost everything, in one spot, without mutiny, without complete breakdown of discipline, etc. for so many years. And what did they do for all that time?

My answer to both questions: They probably had a copy of Neil Diamond’s Greatest Hits lying around. Nero is a big fan of Earth’s history I assume, since he knows it well enough to recognize Kirk on sight and say, “I know your face… From Earth’s history!”. And, even though they don’t show it, I’ll bet Nero is a really good singer, and he just kept the guys entertained enough to keep that ship going in the middle of nowhere for oh 20-something odd years or so. Sure. Why not. We’re gonna make so much FUCKIN’ MONEY on this movie! FIRE EVERYTHING!!!

This entry was posted in bucket of dicks, capitalism is wasteful and unsustainable but funny, Hollywood sucks my balls, i see what you're up to, marketing, they call this SCIENCE and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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